Losing Your Memory
by Writing-and-Music
Summary: "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You never get over the loss of a loved one... you will never be the same, nor will you want to." Nowaki is diagnosed with a stage four cancerous brain tumor. While he's suffering with the tumor, Hiroki is off on the sidelines constantly grieving a loss he hasn't yet faced and wondering how he's going to be happy without Nowaki.


**Losing Your Memory**

Nowaki was brilliant. It was a fact that was blatantly obvious, and it was one that Hiroki picked up as soon as he started tutoring him. Honestly, Nowaki was so smart, determined and self-disciplined that even as an eighteen year old, he could have gotten his GED without any of Hiroki's help. Knowing how smart Nowaki is was one of the reasons why Nowaki's unknown -at the time- illness had brought so much concern for Hiroki before he even classified him as truly sick.

It had all started in mid-October while Hiroki's semester grading was in full force and Nowaki had just recently become an actual paediatrician instead of just an intern. Hiroki and Nowaki had both been so stressed out at the same time that Hiroki hadn't been able to pay much attention at all towards Nowaki's sudden slowness. However, when grading came to a stopping point and Nowaki was settling into his new position at the hospital with no improvement in his health at all, Hiroki started to raise an eyebrow. It wasn't only Nowaki's deteriorating mind that made Hiroki call in a doctor's appointment for his lover tomorrow, but it was also because of his sudden clumsiness, abrupt constant migraines, sensory changes and a numbness in his right arm that had started early that morning and proceeded into nightfall. Hiroki somewhat remembers reading somewhere that was a sign of a threatening seizure, but as he settled into bed that night, he ignored the thought.

At 3:17 in the morning, he regretted ever dismissing that plaguing thought. When he was jostled from sleep with the bed trembling underneath his person he had thought for a fleeting moment that a small earthquake had hit their area of Japan, but when he felt Nowaki's hand twitching against his forearm for just a fraction of a second, he knew that wasn't at all the case. He turned his head around quickly, eyes widening at the sight of Nowaki convulsing like a fish out of water, jaw clenched tight, and face screwed up in obvious pain.

"Nowaki!" The exclamation came out choked and breathy, as Hiroki's body struggled to catch up with his brain and _move_ so he could get to the phone, or his lover, or something to help him. He stretched forward, arm shooting out to force a corner of their duvet into Nowaki's mouth so he didn't end up breaking his teeth or biting his tongue. He kicked the covers off of his legs hurriedly, blindly reaching for the phone as he straddled over Nowaki's body as if it would stop the seizure.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, head dipping so his bangs covered his eyes and his shoulders shook with the strain of trying to compose himself enough so he could make the phone call. With a deep breath and trembling fingers Hiroki managed to dial the emergency hotline number while casting a look at his digital alarm clock. _How long had this seizure been going on? What was a normal time limit? What would happen if it went over that time limit?_ Hiroki swallowed thickly and decided he didn't want to answer that last question as a woman's voice sounded on the other end of his frantic phone call.

"119, what's your emergency?"

"M-my boyfriend has been having a seizure for the past three minutes since I woke up, and it won't stop. I need to get him to a fucking hospital but we don't have a car." Hiroki took in a heaving breath, trying desperately to calm his racing heart. "Why don't we have a car?" he asked in a helpless whimper, the question directed toward himself more than anyone else.

As Hiroki was telling the operator his and Nowaki's address, the body beneath his slowly settled down, and Nowaki's eyes finally slid open and he stared up at Hiroki was a confused, tired expression. Hiroki almost interrupted himself in order to slot their lips together in a relieved kiss. When he tossed the phone back over on the nightstand, not caring at all when he heard the object fell to the floor instead, he bent down to tuck his face into the crook of Nowaki's damp neck.

"Hiro-san?" Nowaki's voice was raspy as if he hadn't spoken in weeks.

"It's okay," Hiroki murmured, his dry lips ghosting across Nowaki's skin. "It's going to be okay." He wasn't sure if those words were being used to reassure himself or Nowaki.

 **XxX**

Three hours later, Hiroki was standing in a hospital waiting room, and with a wince he realized for the first time since arriving that this was the same place that Nowaki saved lives at daily. Now he was the one who needed saving. Hiroki clicked his tongue with his mouth still clamped shut as he reached for his coffee, trying to ignore the way his hands were still shaking.

Nowaki might be alright. He never had any health problems before this, so why would he suddenly be deathly ill?

Hiroki tried to keep his thought process stuck on that as he raised the styrofoam cup to his lips and took a gulp of the watery coffee. With a grimace he figured that the hospital provided its staff members with good coffee because he had never heard Nowaki complain about it before, and his boyfriend was strangely particular about his coffee.

 _Yes, that's better. Just relax._ Hiroki slumped back into his seat he had been waiting in for the past few hours and tried not to recoil in horror at the sight of a man being rolled by with a heavily bleeding wound in his abdomen. He had really seen one too many scenes like that this morning and all he wanted to do was get Nowaki and go home.

 _Oh, God, please let Nowaki be okay._ That wasn't the first time that the thought had crossed Hiroki's mind in the last three hours. Despite his mental coaching on telling himself that everything was fine, and Nowaki just had some sort of freak bad health moment, he couldn't help but feel as if there was something seriously wrong. He really didn't want to believe what the chilling, nagging feeling in his gut told him. He wanted to believe his own fantasy of Nowaki's doctor calling out his name out and telling him that Nowaki was perfectly fine and… and…

"Kamijou Hiroki?"

Hiroki's head snapped up from where he had been staring at the black coffee that was slowly starting to lose its color and look more like tainted water. He set the cup aside, not caring at all about what the stupid coffee resembled at the moment because that doctor standing near the nurses' desk had his answers. Whether they were good or bad he wasn't sure, but all he knew was his stomach was in so many knots that he had to clench his teeth tightly while he walked over, in fear of vomiting all over the floor. _Not like I would be the first one tonight._

Once Hiroki was standing face-to-face with the doctor he realized that the man seemed to be completely worn out. Whether this was because he had been on call for one too many hours or it was Nowaki's condition that seemed to wear him down, Hiroki wasn't certain, and he prayed it wasn't the latter.

"Good morning, Kamijou-san," the doctor said politely, and Hiroki really wished that the sympathetic look in his dark eyes would just go away. _It's not helping,_ Hiroki thought to himself as icy fear just settled deeper into his lower intestines. _It just makes everything seem so much worse._ "I'm sure you would like to see Kusama-san now. He's changing at the moment, but I need you to follow me so I can discuss his current condition with the both of you."

Regardless of Hiroki's nod and attempted polite flash of a smile that felt more like a grimace, he knew that the doctor was about to tell them something that neither he nor Nowaki wanted to hear. While he followed the doctor through the long, confusing hallways of the hospital, he worked on keeping his breathing under control. It seemed too erratic, and it wasn't helping his clenching stomach or hammering heart.

 _What's wrong with him? Why can't they just send him home instead?_ Hiroki glanced down briefly at the doctor's hands at his sides and noticed he was holding some sort of packet. Due to the gripping hands of curiosity, and the need to get some sort of idea of what was wrong with Nowaki, he skimmed over one of the bolded words that stood out against the white paper. As soon as he did, he felt his world sway underneath his feet and his right arm shot out so he could support himself against the elevator wall, an unexpected sob tearing free from his instantly clogged throat.

 **Cancer.**

"Kamijou-san!"

Hiroki hunched over, pressing the heel of his hand against his mouth until he felt his teeth throb from the pressure, eyes screwing shut as if it would make this entire day erase. Without even opening them again, he knew it didn't. His heart was still aching against his chest, he was still struggling to swallow bile back down, and the elevator lurched to a stop on the floor Nowaki was currently being kept on.

 **Cancer.** Nowaki had **cancer.** Nowaki had that same illness that people _die_ from every single day. Nowaki could very possibly be struggling in the strangling hands of death.

"He has it, doesn't he?" Hiroki asked when he finally gained enough will to pull his hand away from his mouth. "Cancer, I mean."

The doctor released a heavy sigh, and really, that was all Hiroki needed for confirmation. He could feel the world shift around him again, but he didn't let it make him lose his balance again. He couldn't let it because Nowaki needed him now more than ever before. It didn't matter if he only had a week or years left; he was going to struggle until his very last breath. _Even if it's cured, people never really do recover from it, do they?_

"I'm terribly sorry, Kamijou-san, but yes. I'm bringing you to his room so we can discuss treatment options and his likelihood of getting better."

Hiroki nodded and honestly wished that he could detect any kind of sincerity in the man's apology as a source for some sort of comfort. Of course, he couldn't. It was all routine for the doctor now, all part of the job description and he probably didn't have enough heart left to feel sorry for every poor soul that comes in and out of this place that is either dealing with the weight of their own illness, or the weight of a loved one's sickness.

"Does he know?" Hiroki asked while the doctor lead them down the hallway where Nowaki's room was. He watched closely for the doctor's response, and he seemed to have known Hiroki's watchful eye was on him because he chose to not verbally reply. A shake of head was all Hiroki needed as an answer anyway because he suddenly felt the crushing burden of being the one to tell Nowaki about his cancer. _What kind of cancer is it?_

He wasn't about to let one of these apathetic doctors or nurses tell him. No, even if it tore him to pieces by forcing the words out of his mouth and watch Nowaki fall apart, he would be the one to tell him. This was something that Hiroki and Nowaki were going to have to deal with together and it was going to start off exactly that way. Together. He didn't want Nowaki to be told unemotionally by a nurse or physician who knew absolutely nothing about him, unless they worked together occasionally. Even so, _he_ wanted to be the one to comfort Nowaki because this was _their_ trial as a couple. This was going to be the thing that would either build up their relationship or leave Hiroki shredded to bits in the end.

When Hoshino-sensei -the doctor- opened Nowaki's temporary hospital room door, Hiroki saw his boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed and staring out of the large window, his eyes distant. For a split moment Hiroki feared that one of the hospital's staff members already broke the news to him, but when he turned to look at Hiroki in the doorway and an almost lazy smile crossed his features, the professor knew he still held the unfortunate privilege of telling him.

"Hiro-san," Nowaki said briskly, his eyes blinking slowly as if he was just waking up. Hiroki swallowed dryly and knew that Nowaki was still recovering from the seizure that snatched his body earlier that morning. God, how was he going to be able to do this? Nowaki almost looked like an innocent child sitting there. With a shiver, he realized this must be what Nowaki feels every time he has to tell a family that their little blessing is either sick or dying.

"I'll leave you two alone for about five minutes but I cannot provide any more time than that. It's a busy morning and I have many other patients to attend to," Hoshino-sensei said curtly, his tone light, then shut the heavy door with a click once Hiroki was standing near Nowaki's bedside.

"What's the matter, Hiro-san? You look as if you're about to cry," Nowaki said gently and lifted his hand to brush his fingers against the man's pale cheek. Hiroki himself felt flushed, but from Nowaki's wary eyes, he could tell he probably looked the opposite. When he felt Nowaki's fingertips dance delicately across his cheekbone, he didn't flinch away from the touch, and in fact leaned further into it while resting his eyelids for just a moment.

His mouth opened, eyes still closed, as he prepared himself to come right out and say it because he didn't have the time on his hands to beat around the bush. However, his tongue felt too heavy to get the words out and he abruptly felt as if he was a toddler just learning how to speak. He felt a rush of frustration at the feeling of not being able to express himself verbally, especially at a time like this, and felt all of his strong emotions bubble up inside his chest until he felt as if he were about to explode.

Nowaki had cancer, and how the hell were they going to deal with this? How was he going to be able to deal with the pain of ever losing Nowaki? How could he lose the man who made him remember how to feel positive about love again?

"Hiro-san," Nowaki's persistent voice cut through his thoughts. "Please, tell me. What's wrong with me?"

That was when Hiroki realized Nowaki was scared too, terrified, and he didn't even have anything to be frightened of at the moment besides the unknown.

"Cancer." The word tasted bitter, foreign, and he wanted it to just go back from where it came from. "You have cancer."

He held Nowaki's crumbling gaze bravely, watching as Nowaki's face shifted from the different emotions that were flickering through him quickly. He had eventually settled on one Hiroki had only seen on his face a handful of times: guilt. Hiroki was about to speak and ask why Nowaki was feeling anything except anger, disbelief, or sadness right now, but he was cut off when he was suddenly being held against Nowaki's chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely into Hiroki's hair, his warm hands pressing against the small of his back, just drawing him closer. Hiroki blinked, his eyes aching and stinging with the effort of keeping his tears at bay. He drew in a sharp breath in order to try to stop them once again, but when he felt warmness trickle down to his shoulder, being the only indication that Nowaki was crying, he finally lost the battle.

With tears finally falling down his cheeks, he shook his head against Nowaki's chest and clutched the cloth of his shirt tightly in his hands. "Why're you apologizing?" Under normal circumstances, he would have added some sort of degrading name at the end of his question, but this wasn't a normal situation. He and Nowaki were crying in each other's arms in a hospital room where Hiroki just had to tell Nowaki he was ill with cancer.

 _Why us? Why_ him _?_

"You're going to have to deal with this, and me-"

Hiroki wasn't going to let him continue going down whatever path he was going with that sentence. He jerked his head up, his eyes staring into Nowaki's eyes with such ferocity that the younger man fell silent instantly. "Don't you dare apologize for you being sick. And don't think that I'm just going to up and run because of this. We're getting through this together, just like we always do."

Nowaki stared down at Hiroki for a few long, breathless seconds before he nodded wordlessly and dipped his head down to kiss him gently. Hiroki accepted the public affection without any type of resistance except for the slight tensing of his body because of the shock of it. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but it was long enough for more despair to sink lower into his body, and short enough to leave him yearning for more.

When Hiroki heard the door to the room open, he backed away from Nowaki reluctantly and wiped whatever residue tears that were still sticking to his cheeks. Now was not the time of cuddling and crying, he and Nowaki would have plenty of time for that once they returned home. Right now he needed to hear any kind of treatment options that could be offered for his boyfriend so they could get a little bit of hope in this fog of misery.

"I apologize for not being able to offer you any more time in order to talk about this alone, but the sooner that we're able to talk about Kusama-san's treatment options, the better," Hoshino-sensei said in a professional manner.

Hiroki managed a feeble nod before he lowered himself onto the twin sized hospital bed, next to Nowaki. He sat close enough so that their shoulders, thighs, and knees were touching and he resisted the longing to rest his head on his shoulder or lace their fingers together just so he could get closer. He had to restrain himself though because now wasn't the time to try and comfort each other. This was about taking Nowaki's illness into account and finding the best ways to treat him. This was all business now, no emotions needed.

"Now, from Kusama-san's tests, it's obvious that he has a brain tumor. It's not entirely large, but it is still a major concern because it is a tumor, and not only that, but it is located at a very sensitive part of the brain," Hoshino said once he sat himself down on one of the chairs in the room. "A very important part, and because of this I strongly recommend that we do not try performing surgery."

Hiroki felt his breath catch in his throat for a fraction of a second before his breath rattled out of his lungs, hand shooting forward so he could grip Nowaki's. Business or not, this was Nowaki they were talking about and there was nothing that contained Nowaki that didn't make him feel _something._

"I thought that was the only way you can get rid of the tumor," Hiroki said, praying that there was some other way to cure it and make sure that the cancer continued to stay out of Nowaki's body.

Before Hoshino could answer, Nowaki squeezed Hiroki's hand and turned to him. "No, there's chemo or radiation therapy that they can use. The only thing is, is that it can take a longer time and it's going to make me sick."

Hiroki furrowed his eyebrows, rounding on the doctor in front of them. "I thought your job was to make people _better_ , not to make them _worse_."

Despite Hiroki's flare in temper, Hoshino-sensei displayed no outward reaction. "The chemo and/or radiation therapy would help Kusama-san in the long run. It would get rid of the tumor, but yes, both treatments do have their cons. Both make the patient sick because it is basically poison entering their body, but it's the thing that kills the tumor."

"What kind of sick are you talking about?" Hiroki asked, feeling extremely wary about this kind of treatment the doctor was offering. The _only_ treatment he was offering because apparently it would be far too risky to attempt any kind of surgery. Hiroki really didn't even want to hear the reasons as to why it was too risky to perform it. Death was one of the most obvious reasons standing out in his mind.

"Nausea and vomiting, fatigue, anemia, incontinence, fertility and sexual side effects," Hoshino-sensei listed carefully. He obviously knew he was treading on thin ice with Hiroki's current uncertainty towards the treatment. "I know that these side effects sound bad, and they'll only get worse with each visit, but this is the only way that we can get rid of the tumor without risk of death or paralysis through surgery."

Nowaki nodded slowly and gently lifted his hand to silence Hiroki when he saw him opening his mouth once again to argue. He knew Hiroki was only arguing because he was worried about how the chemotherapy and radiation will affect his body, but the cancer in the end would hurt him far worse. "With these treatment options, what is my percentage of survival?" He hated asking the question, but he was a doctor himself, and he knew he wasn't even close to out of the woods.

He heard Hiroki's sharp intake of breath when Hoshino said the percentage, and Nowaki could only cling onto his hand tighter.

"Seventeen percent is all you have in your favor, I'm afraid."

 **XxX**

 **When Hiroki and Nowaki both returned to their flat, they were silent. So much had happened this morning and Hiroki couldn't wrap his head all the way around it. He understood that Nowaki was currently struggling with a life-threatening brain tumor that was only going to be managed with treatment that will only make him more ill. How did that make any sense? Japan's Cancer Research Society had to have enough money and technology to have another cure for cancer by now. Of course it made no difference in their case to be angry at cancer's lack of treatments because the reality of it was that there were only so many treatments and Nowaki needed the help now. Nowaki didn't have the time to wait around until they break through with a final cure.**

When they walked into the main living area of their apartment, Hiroki glanced over towards the kitchen and back at Nowaki. "Do you want tea or coffee?" he asked cautiously, purposely leaving out the option of lunch because if he wasn't hungry at all himself, he was positive Nowaki wasn't either. He was never all that hungry anymore anyways, thanks to the brain tumor.

"No," Nowaki replied, shaking his head slowly, his voice coming out distant and soft as if he were in some kind of trance. "I think I'm going to take a shower. I feel... gross." When Hiroki gave him a simple nod in return, Nowaki made his way towards the bathroom. As soon as Hiroki heard the tap water turn on in the shower, he turned around to go into the kitchen to make himself a warm cup of tea, even though he was sure he wasn't going to even touch it once it was prepared. In the very least, he would just set it on the coffee table in front of the sofa while reading a book and pretend that everything is normal, at least for a few minutes.

By the time Hiroki lifted his head again and let reality sink back onto his shoulders, Nowaki was standing in front of him with a damp towel draped over his bare shoulders and his dripping bangs covering his eyes. Hiroki waited patiently for Nowaki to meet his eyes, and once they did, Nowaki's composure finally cracked and shattered with a crumbling expression and tearful eyes. He plopped ungracefully onto the couch and buried his face into the crook of Hiroki's neck, breathing in his scent that was being masked by the familiar smell of the hospital. Hiroki pulled Nowaki closer when he felt warm tears splat against his skin.

"My head hurts," Nowaki mumbled into Hiroki's neck and Hiroki closed his eyes, a short breath escaping through his nose. The statement sounded so simple, so innocent, like something a small child would say when they feel the start of a fever or the flu. But they both knew the deeper context to it now and it just made Hiroki curl up against Nowaki, pulling his shorter legs up onto the couch and to Nowaki's lap so he could press his forehead against Nowaki's shoulder.

"I know," he said through the lump in his throat and the beginnings of tears. "We're getting your medication tomorrow after... chemo." The name of their first chosen treatment tasted bitter on his tongue and made him screw his eyes shut to the point he felt his nose crinkle with the action. They stayed silent for a few more minutes after Hiroki's last utterance, and said man had been staring at his cup of cooling tea through the silence. He wasn't going to ever have time to pretend this wasn't happening to them anymore. There was a stage four tumor pressing against Nowaki's brain making his entire body slowly, but surely, shut down and they couldn't ever just ignore that.

"Hiro-san?" Hiroki raised his eyes to look at Nowaki's face at the call of his name and gradually let his legs start to slip back down onto the floor. "Can we go lay down? I just... feel really tired and want to be close to you right now."

"Yeah," Hiroki answered softly as he raised himself up to his feet. Nowaki followed suit and on their way to the bedroom Hiroki felt their fingers interlock and he doesn't think he's ever felt so relieved to have the warmth of Nowaki's palm pressing into his own.

Nowaki's body was lying beside him, and Hiroki could hear his soft snores through the otherwise silent room. Hiroki shifted his legs underneath the duvet until they tangled with Nowaki's much longer ones, and he sighed quietly in comfort from the warmth he found there. Even though Nowaki's entire front was pressing against his back, and his warmth was seeping through his shirt and into Hiroki's, the man wanted to be close to him; needed to be close to him. The thought that one day, a day that is probably entirely too close for his liking, he's never going to have this warmth and body beside his again scared him. Terrified him. Petrified him.

He curled his fingers into the corner of his pillowcase, and the chill of the white silk against his cold fingertips startled him for some strange reason. Eventually, he mused to himself, this chill is going to be the only thing with him in this bed. Suddenly driven by panic, a frantic, blinding panic, Hiroki was untangling himself from Nowaki's limbs and sheets, so he could hover over the man's body. Before he could logically think about how ridiculous he was acting at the moment, he brought his lips to press against Nowaki's, eventually waking the man after a few desperate movements. "Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked sleepily, so sleepily, and Hiroki felt absolutely rotten because he knew that was one of the very few times that Nowaki has been able to get proper sleep and escape his constant headache. However, now that he was awake, and staring at Hiroki with such concern in his eyes that it made him wonder how he must have looked at that moment. He supposed he looked pretty damned awful from the way Nowaki was looking at him as if he was one of his old patients. "Hiro-san, what's the matter?" Hiroki only shook his head and weaved his fingers through Nowaki's slick, black hair and kissed him again, albeit more lightly and much less desperate.

"Just... need you," he murmured, which was so uncharacteristic of him to say in itself, it made the worry etch its way into Nowaki's face all the more. He didn't say anything though, and for that, Hiroki was grateful. Nowaki just pulled him up into his strong arms and kissed him back so gently that it reminded him of their time back at the library. He shivered and pressed himself closer against Nowaki's form, the words rushing out of his mouth before he managed to stop himself. "I can't lose you." And Nowaki looked so hurt, so guilty, over something that he had absolutely no control over, that Hiroki wished that he had taped his mouth shut. Instead of saying anything more, Hiroki just buried his face into the area between Nowaki's neck and shoulder, letting his lover take over and communicate everything else he wished to through body language. During everything, Hiroki severely yearned for the understanding of the silent language, but he could tell by Nowaki's slow and gentle movements, that he was trying to reassure Hiroki in any way he could that he was never going to lose him. Even if he wasn't physically there, he'll always be with Hiroki. The professor hated that it only made him feel so completely and utterly lonely.

Eventually, they had pulled all their clothes off and Hiroki was caught between Nowaki's body and the mattress with fingers deep inside of him. He had bent his legs up so they were spread enough for Nowaki's body to fit between and his eyes were focused solely on Nowaki's face. He watched as the man's eyebrows pinched together in concentration, as his lips parted just slightly every so often to gasp out when he lost his control for a split second, as beads of sweat rolled down his forehead to his nose only to drip onto Hiroki's body somewhere. He thought about how all of this could be gone in an instant, how he will eventually never get to feel Nowaki's fingers pressing inside of him in this way, how he won't be able to feel Nowaki's heart beat against his chest so erratically each time they do this, how he won't ever hear Nowaki's whispered, desperate confessions of his love for him, how Hiroki will eventually never get to respond.

Hiroki felt tears roll down his face from the corners of his eyes that Nowaki must have taken as his usual tears of pleasure, and he reached up for Nowaki as a cry of longing escaped his swollen lips. He placed his hands against the nape of Nowaki's neck, his fingertips trailing through the black hair that was splayed just above there. Nowaki's eyes narrowed and his fingers faltered their movements inside of Hiroki, crooking quickly again in just the way so they pushed against the spot inside of him that made Hiroki see stars. "I can't hold back much longer, Hiro-san," he murmured heatedly against the shell of Hiroki's ear.

"Then don't," Hiroki replied in a voice that was normally far too needy for him to stand. "I need you," he continued, eyes drifting shut momentarily as his eyes rolled to the back of his head when Nowaki's fingers grazed against him just right. When he had opened them again, he set them on Nowaki so everything else in the room blurred around them. "I need you inside of me."

Nowaki's fingers were pulled out in an instant, shortly replaced with something else that made Hiroki toss his head back against the pillow and dig his fingers into Nowaki's shoulders, to the point he figured it had to hurt, but Nowaki never said anything about it. When Nowaki was fully inside waiting for the other's command to go, Hiroki loosened his grip on Nowaki's shoulders and looked up at him through watery eyes. "Don't go fast," he gasped out tenderly, tracing abstract shapes into Nowaki's shoulder blades with his index fingers. "I just want to be close to you right now."

"Of course Hiro-san." Nowaki lowered his head down so their lips pressed together for a fleeting second as he started his first few movements, keeping his word on not taking anything too fast. His kisses were slow, his thrusts stayed at a rhythmic gentle pace, and his words of affection were uttered smoothly. Hiroki arched himself up so their bodies were pressed together, crossed his legs around Nowaki's waist so the heels of his feet gently tapped the small of Nowaki's back with every forward movement. Everything around them was so sweet and so different that Hiroki could feel his heart tremble inside of his chest and his next sound was a sob instead of a cry of pleasure.

As Nowaki continued to push himself inside of Hiroki, the man below continued to release sobs of grief rather than the one's of pleasure that Nowaki had grown so accustomed to hearing. "Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked, voice raw as his hips stilled.

"Why does this feel so final?" Hiroki asked, looking up at Nowaki with glassy, red-rimmed eyes. When Nowaki looked into them, he realized that they weren't nearly black with lust or love, but of fear and sorrow. Nowaki choked back the response he couldn't bare to see Hiroki react to at the moment, and dipped his head down so their foreheads pressed together, lips ghosting across each other with each of Nowaki's resumed movements. Hiroki stopped his noisy sobs, but Nowaki continued to feel the warm tears from Hiroki's eyes smudge against his own cheeks. And when they both reached their climax, it was Hiroki that reached out for Nowaki and kept him on top of him and inside of him instead of shoving him off.

"I love you," he sniffled into Nowaki's cheek, his nose nudging against Nowaki's jaw line like a cat trying to gain its owner's attention. "I love you so much, please remember that, no matter what happens."

"I will," Nowaki responded, his eyes closing once he felt tears cling to his eyelashes. "As long as you promise me you'll remember the same for me."

"Like I would ever forget."

Hiroki's reply made Nowaki cry silently into his hair until he regained sleep once more.

XxX

The next few days had passed just as they had been for the past few months, except with the added trips to the chemotherapy clinic and the heavy feeling of grief that had not yet lifted from their apartment. Chemo had gone just as Hiroki expected it to. Nowaki had been fine the few hours afterwards, and even was hungry enough that afternoon for them to stop by their favorite family restaurant after picking up his pain medication. However, as soon as they arrived home Nowaki felt exhausted and weak so he had gone to bed and hadn't woken up until the next morning. Hiroki didn't dare tell Nowaki how many times he stopped by the room to make sure he was still breathing.

Hiroki had also made a few calls to his close friends and family. His mother cried at the news and let him know that if they, or Hiroki, ever needed her for anything to call at any time. His father had sighed sadly and talked personally to Nowaki through the phone, letting him know that he was glad Hiroki found and fell in love with a man as good as Nowaki. When Nowaki had handed the phone back to Hiroki he looked happier than Hiroki had seen him in the past weeks.

Miyagi was also told just for work reasons, and the man said he would be glad to help out with whatever Hiroki needed, whether it be for work or personal reasons. At that moment, Hiroki had told him that he needed to cut his smoking habits out completely unless he wanted to leave Shinobu much earlier than either of them would want. Miyagi had stayed silent for a few moments before he quietly said that he was already working on it after his past cold that gave him and Shinobu a scare because of how bad his coughing had been. Hiroki told him to work harder on quitting because he had seen him smoke too many cigarettes in the office even with cutting back.

When he had called Akihiko it was during Hiroki and Nowaki's first trip to the chemotherapy clinic. He had been sitting in the waiting room as he waited for Nowaki to finish with his appointment, and had made sure to call at a time he was fairly sure Akihiko's brat wouldn't be home.

"Hiroki," Akihiko had greeted him with when he answered. "It's rare for you to call me in your own time. What's going on?"

Akihiko's immediate understanding that something was wrong made Hiroki almost smile. Despite the author's outward appearance, and how he typically came across as, he was kind-hearted and was able to read people very easily, which probably helped him when it came to his writing. Hiroki always found it easy to tell Akihiko about things because he knew he could trust him, but this time the words were constricting his throat, making it hard to breathe, let alone talk.

"Hiroki?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," Hiroki murmured, pulling the phone away from his face once he said so, to exhale shakily. When he pressed the phone back against his ear Akihiko was still hushed on the other end, calmly waiting for an explanation from Hiroki. "Nowaki and I are going through alot right now and I decided it was important for me to let you know exactly what's happening."

"Are you fighting?"

"No," Hiroki promptly replied before his voice wavered and he scoffed. "Well, at least not in the way you're referring to. A couple weeks ago I made a doctors appointment for Nowaki because he had been sick for the past month or so. The night before the appointment I woke up because he was having a seizure."

Hiroki stopped talking when he heard Akihiko's meek noise of surprise, but didn't wait long enough for him to ask any questions. "He went to the hospital and after a few tests the doctor concluded that he had a brain tumor. Stage four, and of course it's located in a place on the brain that it's too risky to perform a surgery. I'm sitting in a chemo clinic right now because that's the only kind of treatment available for him."

"Hiroki-."

"Don't apologize," Hiroki cut in hastily, his fingers trembling against his black phone case, finally beginning to lose his poise towards this whole situation. "I don't want anymore pity, I've gotten it enough times from doctors and even Nowaki even though he's the one dying." Hiroki's throat abruptly tightened at his realization, and he pressed the heel of his free hand into the center of his forehead. "He's dying, Akihiko, and I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. I'm so… I'm just so scared."

"You don't know he's dying, Hiroki," Akihiko said in an obvious futile attempt to console his closest friend. "People have lived from stage four brain tumors before, even without surgery. I don't believe that Nowaki is going to allow this sickness to take him away from you."

"He's got a seventeen percent chance of survival, and if that isn't a hopeless percentage I don't know what is. The doctor might as well have given him a certain number of months he has left, because from the way it looks to me, Nowaki doesn't have very much time left. I don't care how stubborn and persistent he is, when cancer wants to kill somebody, it does.

Akihiko sighed tiredly from the other line, the sigh playing out like static through the phone. "This cynical view towards Kusama-san's cancer is not going to help him in the slightest. If I were in his position, I wouldn't want to hear Misaki gripe and moan about how unfair the illness is. Of course it's unfair, I don't care if you have a ninety-five percent survival rate, it's still cruel, and Kusama-san knows it is. He probably knows it much better than you do, and you have to think about how much he must be suffering at the moment. Not only does he know he's dying, but he knows that he's hurting you by doing so. The people left behind are not the true suffers, so if you can do one thing for him while he's living the last months of his life, it's to encourage him through everything. When he's gone and he's done with his hardship you can give yourself time to grieve, and when this happens I'll help you through it. He isn't leaving you completely alone Hiroki, I don't think he would ever be able to do that."

"I'm sorry," Hiroki muttered into the phone, blinking his stinging eyes repeatedly. It was nearing noon and Nowaki was going to be done with his appointment any minute and the last thing he needed to see was Hiroki sitting in the waiting room sobbing whilst on the phone with Akihiko. Like his friend said, that would only wound Nowaki more. "It just hurts."

"Of course it does, it wouldn't be reality if it didn't."

"I just wish we could escape it for a bit. Just long enough to breathe."

"Everyone wishes the same thing, but we can't do that. So, at most, all we can do is hang on and make the most of what we have available to us. Make his last days count and let him go peacefully without any regrets." That, Hiroki decided, was exactly what he was going to do.

The next few weeks had continued in a similar way, with the frequent chemo visits and the usual daily struggle with the tumor. Things seemed to take a turn for the worse on a chilly December night close to Christmas. Nowaki had gone to his usual chemotherapy appointment, but also attended his very first radiation one as well. The doctor had assured them that if they did both treatments at once it might boost Nowaki's chances of survival, even if it did increase his side effects from the poisons being forced into his bloodstream. Nowaki readily agreed, and Hiroki hadn't said anything, because what could he say? Nowaki was the one who was truly suffering and if he wanted to take this risk for a better chance of healing, Hiroki was going to let him take it.

Hiroki was sleeping soundly that night when he was jostled awake roughly by Nowaki stumbling out of bed and towards the bathroom connected to their bedroom. When Hiroki had blinked the sleep out of his eyes and his brain was finally able to catch up with reality, he heard the sound to loud retching coming from where Nowaki had run. Hiroki had known this was coming from day one of the chemo and calmly stood from bed and made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water for Nowaki before going to the bathroom, knowing how much Nowaki hated it when he saw him get sick.

When he arrived to the bathroom Nowaki was finished and was weakly spitting out whatever taste and bile that was left in his mouth, his large frame shaking, skin pasty and sweaty, with residue vomit stuck to the corners of his mouth and chin. Hiroki reached under the sink and grabbed a washcloth to run under some warm water. "Flush it," he instructed quietly, looking down to Nowaki until the taller man opened his eyes. "The smell will only make you sick again even though you don't need to get anything else out of your system." Once Nowaki followed his instructions, he bent down and helped the other off of the floor. "Brush your teeth and I'll go get you some more pain medication since you probably just expelled what you took earlier. And wipe off your mouth with that washcloth there."

As Hiroki brushed passed Nowaki, he threaded his fingers through Nowaki's black hair and pretended that the small clump of it that clung to his fingers briefly before falling to the ground was just his imagination.

XxX

Hiroki and Nowaki's Christmas that year was spent inside a hospital room with cords and tubes sticking into Nowaki's skin from almost every direction. While Hiroki was sitting in the chair beside Nowaki, eating a nearly expired turkey sandwich from the vending machine and his lover was eating a strict hospital diet meal, he came to the conclusion that their most likely last Christmas together was going to be spent inside a hospital room.

They were currently in this predicament because of Nowaki's constant headaches that the tumor gave as an extra little gift. The headaches had been progressively worsening ever since Nowaki's first trip to radiation therapy, but on Christmas Eve they were worse than Nowaki had ever experienced. He had to lock himself up in the bedroom with all lights off, curtains drawn tightly shut, no background sound, and a cool washcloth kept on his forehead at all times in a fruitless attempt to soothe the headache. Even when Hiroki gave him as much medication as he dared to give him the migraine still stubbornly persisted until Nowaki said that he needed to go to the ER.

So, they went and got Nowaki help. To Hiroki's relief, Nowaki wasn't put in the intensive care unit as he predicted because the doctor had said the headache really wasn't anything that needed fret over. In fact, it apparently meant that the radiation and chemo were working and fighting against the cancer like they were supposed to. However, the doctor had amended, they needed to keep Nowaki here for a couple of days so they could find a new dose, or even type, of medication to keep the pain at bay until the tumor recedes slightly.

Since the doctors were working their hardest to find Nowaki a new medication to help him, they were pumping many kinds of medicines into his bloodstream to decide which one helps him out the most. Due to this Nowaki had been high through the rest of Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day itself. Hiroki felt like he was already spending his Christmas' alone.

"I hate this," Nowaki grumbled to himself as he shakily shoveled another spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. His glazed eyes darted over to Hiroki, a small, sad smile settling over his features once he caught Hiroki in his blurry view. "Holiday's shouldn't be spent like this. Especially not Christmas."

"There isn't much at all we can do about it," Hiroki responded with a seemingly careless shrug. "You shouldn't hate it so much. Shouldn't you be the one saying that it doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together?"

"It isn't really where we are that I hate, we've spent a Christmas in the hospital before. It's the situation the I can't stand, especially since I feel really strange and can hardly make sense of anything that I'm saying." Nowaki swiftly shoved the tray of food away from his body with a heavy sigh, his eyes closing to the point a crease formed between his thin eyebrows. "And I also hate how being sick is affecting my attitude. I am normally never like this, you know that."

"I don't blame you at all for being a little moody, Nowaki. When people are sick, they get grouchy, especially if they're as sick as you."

"That's not an excuse," Nowaki snapped sluggishly, voice clipped as he shook his head, clearly not wanting to hear whatever Hiroki was about to say. "When I'm gone I don't want you to remember how unreasonable I was for my last few months. I-."

"Don't say that!" Hiroki shouted, slamming his fist against the edge of Nowaki's hospital bed that was closest to him. The expression on his face made Hiroki look wounded and he kept his face directed towards the floor as he hesitantly reached forward for Nowaki's hand. "Please, don't say that. I can't… the last thing I want to think about right now, or ever, is you leaving me. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it this time."

"Hiro-san," Nowaki breathed, the cloudiness in his eyes seemed to vanish in an instant.

"This wasn't the way it was all supposed to happen. _I_ was supposed to go first after we get all old and wrinkly and crabby. I was supposed to go peacefully and you were supposed to go after me just a little while later so we didn't have to be apart for long." Hiroki took in a deep breath, clutching onto Nowaki's hand so tightly he feared it would break. But he didn't let go, he couldn't, not right now. Not while everything he was trying to hold back was overflowing without his permission.

"Why does it have to happen this way?" he whimpered, curling so close to Nowaki's body that his face was pressed against his side. "It sucks. It sucks so much and I wish more than anything that I could reverse everything so we could go back to the way it's supposed to be. The way it was."

"I want that too, Hiro-san," Nowaki said once Hiroki managed to calm himself down slightly, reaching an arm around him so he could hold Hiroki's shaking body near his, as if he could stabilize him. "But… this is what fate we were given so we just have to live with it, for however long we have to. But before _you_ can do that, you have to accept the fact that I'm dying. I'm not going to come back from this, and I don't like saying that at all, not because I'm scared for me, but for you. I can't leave you like this if I don't know if you're going to be okay without me."

"Of course I'm not going to be okay, idiot," Hiroki choked out. "Nobody in their right mind would be okay after the person they're in love with passes away. But there isn't anything that we can do so I'm eventually just going to have to deal with being alone. You can't… you can't die while feeling uneasy about me. If you have to go like this, I would want you to go peacefully. If it comes to the point when you're dying, it's obvious we tried everything we possibly could and it's just your time. Don't run yourself down faster by worrying about me so much."

"I'll stay with you as long as I can, Hiro-san. I'll fight harder than I ever have before just to get a few more months with you. All I want to know before I go is that I made you happy, even when everything seemed to be falling apart."

"Idiot," Hiroki cried into Nowaki's side before he sat up straight and pressed his forehead against Nowaki's temple, the tip of his nose brushing against Nowaki's cheek so he could feel the tears slipping down there. "We'll get through this. Even… even if you really have to go, I'll be okay. We'll be okay because I know even death can't take you away from me."

"Nothing could take me away from my Hiro-san," Nowaki affirmed with a tearful laugh. "You'll never be able to get rid of me."

"I'd never want to get rid of you anyways."

XxX

As the months dragged on Nowaki's health deteriorated at such a fast pace Hiroki could hardly keep up with everything. Even with the medication keeping the ever-present migraine at arms length, Hiroki could tell Nowaki was still hurting. The chemotherapy made his body ache, made his stomach so weak he was barely able to even keep down water, made him so tired that most days all Nowaki wanted to do was sleep.

The radiation was causing mouth sores that made it difficult for Nowaki to eat whenever he had an appetite and it was slowly, but surely, making his hair start to thin and fall out. He wasn't yet bald, or really close to it, but each time Hiroki ran his fingers through it he could feel the difference.

One evening after work Hiroki was preparing dinner for himself, mostly because all Nowaki could keep down anymore was tea and basic, unspiced meals. Nowaki was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some sort of documentary over endangered animals that he was clearly not paying any attention to. Nowaki was simply staring outside the balcony window, continuously stirring the tea Hiroki had given him a couple minutes ago.

Hiroki looked at Nowaki worriedly, his behavior reminding him of the night of his seizure. He had been spacey all day, or at least since Hiroki arrived home from work, and he was starting to complain about how he was numb in a few of his limbs. Didn't that happen on the night he had the seizure?

"Hiro-san," Nowaki called from the couch as he slowly started to raise himself up from the couch, his left hand gripping tightly onto the arm of the couch. "I feel really weird right now," he murmured, catching Hiroki's full attention.

"Sit back down-!" Hiroki called out, dropping the mug he was holding onto the counter. His exclamation was cut short by a gasp when he watched Nowaki collapse onto the floor. He rushed over to him, his heart pounding against his rib cage madly to the point he felt a little breathless when he reached his writhing lover.

Choked, alarmed noises were escaping from somewhere in Nowaki's throat and Hiroki reached for the fleece blanket on the couch to shove between his teeth. "Nowaki," he whispered, voice rough with the startled cries he's been holding back. "Hang in there, okay? I'm going to call for an ambulance and we're going to get you help." He ran his fingers fleetingly through Nowaki's thinning hair before he stood shakily to his feet and snatched up the home phone.

By the time the call was finished it was silent in the apartment, and the sounds Nowaki had been making earlier quieted down until they were nonexistent. Hiroki turned around and saw Nowaki staring at him through hazy eyes, the blanket lying on the ground next to his foamy mouth.

"I should have taken you to the hospital as soon as I got home," Hiroki said as he sunk to the ground, his knees pressing against Nowaki's limp arm. "This wouldn't have happened if I did."

"Don't be ridiculous Hiro-san," Nowaki argued, his voice hoarse and tired. Oh, God, he sounded so tired. "The seizure would have occurred anyway. There isn't anything the doctors could have done to stop it from happening."

Hiroki merely shook his head and rested it against Nowaki's chest, placing a couple gentle kisses along Nowaki's collar bone as reassurment. "I love you," Nowaki murmured, his voice slurred, as Hiroki kissed his exposed skin tenderly.

"I love you, too."

"I know."

He wasn't sure how long they had laid there like that in the complete silence, save for the quiet hum of the endangered animals documentary from the television. When the ambulance sirens cut through the quiet, Hiroki had never been so relieved, especially when he discovered Nowaki had passed out under him.

A couple hours later Hiroki was being confronted by Nowaki's usual doctor, who was staring at him with a grim expression. Hiroki wasn't stupid, he knew what that face meant on a doctor's face, especially since he's seen Nowaki make the same expression towards patient's parents. This was it. Nowaki was losing this fight.

"Kusama-san is not giving any indication of waking up. I don't think he ever will, even if he survives through the night. His body is starting to completely shut down, and even if he does wake up, it will only be for a couple days at most. He'll stay in this coma-like state with the life support for about another month before his organs eventually all stop functioning. I know that this decision is hard, but you need to choose whether or not you'll keep him on life support."

Why did doctors always have to beat around the bush?

"I'll give you a while if you-."

"Pull it," Hiroki said so quietly that the doctor had to strain to hear his response. Hiroki's head bowed and his fists clenched so tightly at his sides that they trembled. "Pull it because it's what he would want me to do, and I can't keep being selfish and just keep him here as long as I can. It's not fair for him, _none_ of this is fair for him, so I would at least want to make them as painless as possible for him." He paused to take a deep breath, his chest aching as he did so. "And hurry, before I end up changing my mind."

"Of course, Kamijou-san. The room will be available to you as long as Kusama-san is still alive."

"Thanks," Hiroki replied monotonously, because how else is he supposed to respond to a statement like that? "I'll be up there in a few minutes. I need to make a call first."

"It's no problem, Kamijou-san, take all the time you need," the doctor said briskly before walking away towards the elevator so he could go pull Nowaki's life support out. So he could kill Nowaki and force him away from Hiroki for good.

"Fuck," Hiroki sobbed, placing a hand over his eyes while he shook until he composed himself. He needed to hurry. He needed to hurry and call Akihiko so he could get up to Nowaki's room and say goodbye before it was too late. Before he missed his chance to hold his warm hand one last time and hear his heart thump against his ear. Before he didn't have a Nowaki to go home to ever again.

When he made it up to Nowaki's hospital room there were no nurses or doctors buzzing around him to try and keep him alive; because there was no point to try and keep him breathing anymore. Nowaki was just too tired to keep going any longer, and Hiroki knew that. A person can only take so much before they lose the strength to go on, and Nowaki is no omission to that fact.

"I did what you would have wanted me to do," Hiroki said once he was sat in a chair next to Nowaki's bedside. He reached forward and ran his long fingers through Nowaki's soft hair, scratching the scalp lightly behind his right ear, a place he knew was sensitive. "It was really hard to do, and it still is. I see the life support in the corner of the room and I want nothing more to run over and plug it back in. But won't do you any good will it? And that isn't what you want, and if that isn't what you want I'm not going to go against your wishes. In the least, you deserve to go the way you want to."

Hiroki's voice quivered and he had to suck in a breath between clenched teeth before he could speak again without dissolving into tears. He could do that later, but right now it was about Nowaki. He was not about to spend his last minutes with Nowaki crying and mourning over a death that had not yet happened. When Nowaki was really gone and not listening, he would allow himself to grieve.

"You're so strong Nowaki, and you gave this your very best fight. I-I've made the decision a while ago to come down here on my free days to tell the sick kids here about you. Not even this story, but how you lived while everyone else said you weren't ever going to live the way you wanted to. You've inspired so many people without even knowing, and I'm going to make sure you keep inspiring people even if you're not physically here with me."

Hiroki reached forward, his hand skitting across the cool bed sheets before he laced his fingers with Nowaki's. "I guess all I want to say now is thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me and fighting for the relationship we have even when it seemed impossible to get through. Most of all, thank you for loving a grump like me. I never deserved a man like you in my life, ever. I am so lucky I had the privilege to love you, and even more lucky that you loved me with the same exact passion. I am so grateful for the time we shared together, even if it was cut short. I would have never traded what we have, or had, for anything else in the world, and I want you to die knowing that."

He smiled sadly, a few tears slipping down his cheeks as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Nowaki's forehead lovingly. "I love you, and I never will stop loving you until the day I follow after you. Maybe I won't even stop then, especially if I wake after death with you just standing over me with that big, stupid grin on your face. I… can't wait until that day, but until then I'll continue living as happily as I can because I know that's what you want more than anything else. It will be difficult at first, it will be so difficult, but just know that I'm going to try my hardest for you."

He exhaled shakily and glanced up at the heart monitor, watching as the beats started to slow. Fear gripped his heart as he watched the lines weakly climb up the screen, but he tore his eyes away before he forgot what else he needed to say before Nowaki was gone forever. "I'll miss you so much, but don't let that make it harder for you to go. All I want for you is for you to be happy and free of pain, and if is the only way that is going to happen then I… know that it's best this way. I just want you to know when you go is that I love you and you are the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Never forget that."

He leant down and pressed a brief kiss to Nowaki's slightly parted, chapped lips before pulling away and placing his head on his chest. He kept his ear pressed to Nowaki's chest, eyes closed while he listened to his diminishing heartbeat and their hands clasped together loosely. When the heartbeat finally stopped with a stutter and Nowaki's breathing ceased, the heart monitor's long, drowned out beep filled in the stillness.

"Goodbye, Nowaki," Hiroki whispered, releasing Nowaki's larger hand so he could cup the other man's cheeks tenderly. He gave Nowaki one last kiss and murmured 'I love you' against his lips numerous times before he pulled away. A few of his tears fell onto Nowaki's cheeks, sliding down slowly so it looked as if the man was crying as well.

"And I always will."

 **I'm sorry?** **(Poorly edited so if there are a lot of mistakes I apologize. I just didn't want to read this and write it all over again.)**


End file.
